8 Discipline Mistakes Parents Make
Kids aren’t like car engines—they don’t come with instruction manuals. When kids are acting up, it’s up to us as parents to figure out how to fix the behaviors. Though we all try our best to do the right thing, we aren’t perfect, and we can make mistakes.
Here are 8 of the most common discipline mistakes parents make, and the best ways to fix them.
Discipline Mistake #1: Letting them get away with it. We’ve all seen parents sit idly by as their kids scream and tear up a restaurant. Besides getting a lot of nasty looks from their fellow diners, these permissive parents are giving their kids the message that it’s okay to misbehave. “The kid learns to get away with it and it becomes an entrenched habit that makes it harder to get rid of later,” says Michele Borba, EdD, author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. Being firm with your kids now will prevent more discipline problems in the future.
Discipline Mistake #2: Over-punishing. On the opposite side of the spectrum are the overly strict parents who set draconian punishments (like taking away TV for a month) for the most minor infractions. It’s important to find the right balance between being a warm, loving parent and letting your kids know which behaviors aren’t acceptable. If you’re shifting to one side or the other, “Realign yourself once in a while,” says Borba.
Discipline Mistake #3: No rules. Your child can’t behave the right way if she doesn’t know what the right way is. Set a few clear house rules and post them where everyone can see them. “You’re going to cut down on the friction in your house because all you have to do is point to the rules,” Borba says. Make sure you also have clear consequences for each rule.
Discipline Mistake #4: Inconsistency. When you take away your child’s video games for talking back one day, and then do nothing when he talks back the next day, he’ll keep trying that behavior to see what happens. “Kids are testers. They figure out what works,” says Borba. When you’re consistent, your children will be more likely to behave because they’ll know exactly what response to expect from you.
Discipline Mistake #5: Falling for tantrums. Kids scream and throw temper tantrums to get attention. Don’t give it. If you consistently ignore the whining, pouting, and screaming, eventually your child will realize she’s not going to get a reaction and the behavior will taper off. What you definitely can’t ignore, however, is aggressive or cruel behavior.
Discipline Mistake #6: Backing down. If you tell your child she can’t buy a new doll, then give in and buy it for her when she whines, she’s just learned a valuable lesson in how to push your buttons. “The kid has figured out you don’t have a backbone. It means to the child, ‘I can wear her down. She doesn’t mean business,’” Borba says. When you say “no,” it should mean no.
Discipline Mistake #7: Hitting. Though it might stop the behavior immediately, spanking can have negative long-term repercussions, making kids more aggressive and triggering more behavioral problems down the road. Frequent yelling can also stress your kids out. Be firm without hitting—or screaming.
Discipline Mistake #8: Not recognizing good behavior. You punish your kids when they’re bad, but do you praise them when they’re good? “The fastest way to shape behavior is to point out when the kid did it right,” Borba says. Show your kids what good behavior looks like, then acknowledge when they do it.
Here are 8 of the most common discipline mistakes parents make, and the best ways to fix them.
Discipline Mistake #1: Letting them get away with it. We’ve all seen parents sit idly by as their kids scream and tear up a restaurant. Besides getting a lot of nasty looks from their fellow diners, these permissive parents are giving their kids the message that it’s okay to misbehave. “The kid learns to get away with it and it becomes an entrenched habit that makes it harder to get rid of later,” says Michele Borba, EdD, author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. Being firm with your kids now will prevent more discipline problems in the future.
Discipline Mistake #2: Over-punishing. On the opposite side of the spectrum are the overly strict parents who set draconian punishments (like taking away TV for a month) for the most minor infractions. It’s important to find the right balance between being a warm, loving parent and letting your kids know which behaviors aren’t acceptable. If you’re shifting to one side or the other, “Realign yourself once in a while,” says Borba.
Discipline Mistake #3: No rules. Your child can’t behave the right way if she doesn’t know what the right way is. Set a few clear house rules and post them where everyone can see them. “You’re going to cut down on the friction in your house because all you have to do is point to the rules,” Borba says. Make sure you also have clear consequences for each rule.
Discipline Mistake #4: Inconsistency. When you take away your child’s video games for talking back one day, and then do nothing when he talks back the next day, he’ll keep trying that behavior to see what happens. “Kids are testers. They figure out what works,” says Borba. When you’re consistent, your children will be more likely to behave because they’ll know exactly what response to expect from you.
Discipline Mistake #5: Falling for tantrums. Kids scream and throw temper tantrums to get attention. Don’t give it. If you consistently ignore the whining, pouting, and screaming, eventually your child will realize she’s not going to get a reaction and the behavior will taper off. What you definitely can’t ignore, however, is aggressive or cruel behavior.
Discipline Mistake #6: Backing down. If you tell your child she can’t buy a new doll, then give in and buy it for her when she whines, she’s just learned a valuable lesson in how to push your buttons. “The kid has figured out you don’t have a backbone. It means to the child, ‘I can wear her down. She doesn’t mean business,’” Borba says. When you say “no,” it should mean no.
Discipline Mistake #7: Hitting. Though it might stop the behavior immediately, spanking can have negative long-term repercussions, making kids more aggressive and triggering more behavioral problems down the road. Frequent yelling can also stress your kids out. Be firm without hitting—or screaming.
Discipline Mistake #8: Not recognizing good behavior. You punish your kids when they’re bad, but do you praise them when they’re good? “The fastest way to shape behavior is to point out when the kid did it right,” Borba says. Show your kids what good behavior looks like, then acknowledge when they do it.
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